grinding season fatigue
It’s been so very long since I last got to post a blog and although right now it’s 12:24 am I feel energized and enthused to be doing the part of this work that truly brings me great joy and warmly welcomes me home! In my past life, I was a blogger. One who sat at home in a warm cozy robe, enveloped over my frame and matching comfy slippers to match, nestled over my perfectly gel-manicured toes. I envision having a personal assistant to keep me on deadlines, the necessary influencer Mac Book to elevate my status just a bit, my trusty Nespresso, milk frother and an abundant supply of espresso, oat milk and toasted vanilla syrup, and an insane amount of time to write. To write, as me in the fullness of my authenticity. Who would pay me? Not for me to have to worry about! Money would flow freely and linger in my presence. I’d take long walks for inspiration and clear perspective, greet random people upon these slow journey and return home to peace and stillness to write some more.
I admit this idealized fantasy is a bit of what I thought a few aspects of my life would mirror. Motherhood, entrepreneurship, hiring, scaling, actually being profitable. You know, all the things! Where do I get these whimsical thoughts of bliss? My imagination and White people on TV indeed. The term “soft life” circulates heavily on my social media feed nowadays. Black women rejecting the hustle and bustle, pausing to enjoy the presence of the moment, claiming rest, luxury, joy, pampering, self-care, love, and gentleness. I see these posts, reels, gifs, captions, tweet reposts, and… I smile. Smile because that season looks phenomenal on them; While me, I am grinding.
When we last checked in I think I was somewhere between panicking, being overwhelmed, stressed, and generally feeling like I have no idea how to do this and keep it going. In a nutshell, I’ve got a few moving pieces that are working okay but the foundation over here is still not quite as solid as it needs to be for me to feel like I can take a deep breath, and pause to smell the… whatever you smell when things are good and you can actually fully enjoy the fragrance that surrounds you without being interrupted by your own thoughts of panic regarding what you’re missing while you’re sniffing away! I now have a kind and gentle personal assistant who I am learning to trust to handle the things allocated to her (after she called me out about not trusting her to do the things I allocate to her), I’m actively looking for a social media manager-because I am truly an introvert who becomes drained by social media and also can’t continue to try to self-perform all things if I ever wanna whiff sweet smelling tingz. I’ve also started actively networking in social spaces with other adults! CRAZY RIGHT? I, have been seeking out opportunities, showing up, and making a conscious effort to talk to other adults! Due to my own lack of confidence and a strange inferiority complex, for a long time, I didn’t feel as though I had anything to contribute in spaces with other qualified adults and would shrink myself to the point of silence unless addressed directly. I’m recovering from this and always set at least 4 social goals to keep me present, engaged, and out of my own head. I’ve also started having regular date nights with my husband- no kiddos allowed and wow, it’s amazing to reconnect with the man I fell in love with. My husband, the partner, not the father or the business partner BUT MY HUSBAND! All of these changes enable me to better manage all things Rooted MKE. Although my management of it all is still not the best. But I will be kind to myself and say that it’s the best that I can do today. Yet, I’m still grinding!
Present grind: planning events at Rooted MKE, planning events collaboratively with other organizations, expanding tutoring awareness and offerings, taking courses to enhance my ability to make smart business decisions, determining who I need to connect to expand bulk book and school-based book fairs and sales, researching opportunities to provide more books to large organizations, connecting with successful entrepreneurs who are able to give fresh perspective and insight, managing Asherah (my now 17-month-old, sweet baby girl) during the day, daily, eating at least 2 meals a day, brainstorming how to activate the bookstore (because she is DEAD and doesn’t get many visitors), smelling my armpits to determine if I need a shower, figuring out how to spend time with my family outside of field trips to the bookstore and trying to drink a few more cups of water to balance out all of the Nespresso toasted vanilla oat milk espresso’s. See, grinding clearly!
If it seems like I’m always in the trenches of figuring out my little vida as a budding entrepreneur, I AM! Rooted MKE in its current brick-and-mortar stage is only about 7 months old and no amount of workshops, business plans, and coaching calls fully prepare you for investing everything you have into a passion project and fighting for your community, virtual or in-person to latch on, receive, nurture and financially support it. I was talking to an enthused tutor applicant who said something like, “I’ve been watching your journey since the signs went up in your storefront window and no matter how you feel every day, whenever I see news articles, interviews, your posts, comments or just see you out in the community with your kids I am cheering you on saying “Go Black Girl, Go Black Girl, Go”. Boy, I tell you, when sitting on a ladder halfway climbing out of imposter syndrome, God always sends a light.
Thank you, God